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Edgar Cayces teaching about Chakras

So much information going around and about chakras, energies etc. Not too many actually stop to think about what they are actually doing. Not taking into consideration that playing around with these kind of things can be damaging. Just as eating too much or eating what is not the best for you at the moment, just so can be converted to any subject. If that makes sense. You can see it as starting to go to the gym, you don't lift the heaviest weights the first time you go there or run five miles your first run right :D

I burned out parts of my chakras without knowing it, it wasn't my intention but I was messing around with energies and didn't even know I was going so. Everything is energies and certain things in this universe contains energies that feed our chakras and inner energies more than others. What happened to me put me way out of balance and made me very off tune with my inner guiding system. I was scared without knowing why, I thought I was going crazy for a while and was pretty much all over the place energy wise. It took me months to even understand what had happened and I'm still figuring out what exactly went down.

After watching this yesterday and did the short meditations in it (you do them during the video) I got back so much energy and happiness. I also love what I've learned so far from Edgar Cayces teachings and felt I really wanted to share this video with you. Not meaning to scare anyone off by starting to share this ind of information, just rather take it slow when start working with energies if you don't know what your doing and be safe.
 

everything influences everything

I just awoke from getting a what I want to call download of understanding of how everything influences everything, all the time always. I wanted, or thought I Wanted so I tried to, go back to sleep but something wouldn't let me and kept nudging me to either make a video, talking about this or write it all down in a blog post. So here I am writing, up hours before I usually wake up these days (which is pretty late so I'm quite happy about have gotten up this time). Giving this little story, since this all is pretty new, how I notice information flowing to me, or is given to me in this way and I have been wondering how that process has been for others but never come across anyone talking about it. I was also told when I was scribbling this down in my dream journal, although it felt a bit strange writing it there since this part of what happened during sleep did not translate into a regular dream to me, this was a different kind of information. Oh yes, when I was writing this I was told that I need to enhance my vocabulary because it will be wasier that way to translate the information. I wrote it down in Swedish and I used words I had heard but wasn't sure about what they actually meant. But I was sure that they translated what I understood energetically into physical words.

I was shown visually and got told mentally how this works and it's so beautiful. 

Environment, colors, textures, sounds, shapes, everything you can think of influence all other things.
Basic, basic, all is energy and as we all know ( I assume since it's even standard to learn in todays schooling system ) energy can not be destroyed, only transformed. All is vibration and all has it's own frequency. It's quite easy to grasp that when we eat the food get digested and the nutrients fuels our bodies and renews cells. So wether you precieve something as "dead" or "living" it will influence in one form or another.

For example you can change your genetical code with (basically anything), art, thoughts, food etc. The reason why this is not super obvious or easy for us to do is because we're in one way or another programmed in so many different ways, also because we haven't woken up/grown into this understanding yet. It usually takes quite some time for a thought to change the structure of something in our physical bodies simply put because we do not believe it. Even if you conciously think you do believe it and repeatedly think a thought that would mean your body would look, feel or smell differently than what it does today, our subconcious is way more powerful. I can't say for you but for me I most often even conciously think that "how is this possible". It makes it a bit easier to comprehend when you think about change in other ways. Let's say we are to move a big table from one side of the room to the other. With just one person, let's call this person Thought, it might take a long time and in this case let's say the table is to heavy for one person to move. Therefore we can take help from friends, we can call in Food, Visualisation, Action, The color red and Muscle. Now the table is much easier to move. Pretty much anything you can think of can be a friend in this story, Maybe Cookies wouldn't be the best friends to help you move the table but instead a bunch of friends who are/are named Muscle would make it easier. Haha I hope that little story made sense.
It's also favourable to keep in mind that things move slowly in the density we live in. Physical matter does not move as quickly as pure light or thought.

Hopefully this could put some more understanding to you about this subject, spark ideas and/or some questions. From what I feel starting to write and share about these things happening will make it easier for this kind of information to flow through me. So many things comes to mind what you can do for any kind of information to come to and flow trough you more easily but that is for another time. I've learned that for me (if not all of us) starting slow and little by little is usually what makes a stable ripple effect on many different levels inside and around. I'm looking forward to continue writing and sharing whatever comes to mind (although I would like my blog design to looks and feel differently HAHA) :D Guess I have to "call some friends" to help me with that, pure thought won't change this for me.

If you have any thoughts, questions or anything feel free to comment! I would love to discuss further or hear your own thouhts and stories!

out with whatever no longer serves it's purpose

I just wrote a long post that turned out way to personal and negative. I did come to some insights though. That's good. Although I feel they keep coming to me over and over, as if I need to understand the same thing over and over. Anyhow. I'm going trough all my stuff right now, throwing out and out what I no longer want in my energy field. There are a few items I rather trade or give away or something instead of just throwing out. However I have some troubles finding a steady energy stream for doing so. I thought about depop. Maybe just take the things I feel someone else would enjoy. I just feel it's a bit sad to throw out or give to charity when I get the sense that in the depop way someone who truly would get joy out of a few of those items. At the same time it's just things it's when I get into those thoughts that the energy for it goes away. SO I will save a few and throw out the rest or give to chraity and see if the energy for it comes.

Would really like to find some carpets to put over my floor. OOh but I keep getting in conflict with me not wanting to stay where I'm staying. Wouldn't it be lovely to live in a van? A tiny house on wheels. I suppose since I do not have a partner in time at this point in time I would need a drivers license before taking that step. I also feel I should be happy with what I got BUT while writing the post before this that I deleted it came to me that I would not eat food I did not like if I could eat food I did like, so why woud I have my apartment in a way I don't like when I can have it in a way I do like? And let's be honest, when we like and match our environment we do feel better! The walls here are white and I like to have fabrics and stuff all over or something. Not even sure. Still, it looks pretty nice here. Going to make it even cosier though. Since I spend so much time alone in my apartment, especially now when it's getting colder it would be really, REALLY nice to feel super at home where I live. Even if I feel that I want to live somewhere else. Soul family where are you? Mh guess I might need to get that van and go out and find you!


I have no clue what I am doing but I will keep on doing it

I heard sharing yourself in one way or another is a good thing to do, not only for yourself but also for others. I have been cut off from so much for so long. Going back to social media feels strange in so many ways. So many thoughts comes up. I have grown and learned so many things about the world and myself that I know that I don't know. I have worked on "coming back" and I belive why it has been so hard is of how it used to be, how I used to be seen and how I saw myself. I have stripped so many layers and have come to realizations that has been hard to accept for myself. My fear of rejection. Woh, boom. I just started understanding why sharing this way is important for me. It makes me come to even deeper realizations and it helps me, hopefully it will also help someone else as well.  Now just knowing that I have that fear makes it so much easier to just not have it anymore. Why? Because I will not reject myself, not my true self, therefore I have no reason to fear rejection. It is still a bit scary though, putting yourself out there wanting to share and connect when you are still wobbly and insecure at times. But I have been by myself without much contact with people for a few months now, so not sharing can't really make me more "lonely". Maybe that is why it is a bit of a challange for me to come out of my shell. Well challange accepted then! 

Coming back, trying to adapt to this reality isn't really working out or me, so I'll just find a path that works. Ha ha, funny of how I have been told for the last couple of years but keep forgetting that "you should not try and adapt to your surroundings, you should adapt your surroundings to you".  I often find myself wanting to explain why and how my life is at this moment, instead of just sharing. I get stuck there a bit. At the same time wanting to be deeply personal. Getting to find some sort of balance in it all and not take it all so seriosly. I basically want to come back, share and talk to you in order to grow, socialize, have fun and hopefully help others in some way an shred light!

Have had this thought pop up that I would start with at least post ONE post here a day. Whatever it is. I think that could do something. Also if you have any ideas, thoughts or questions feel free to share and if it feels right I'll continue to spin on it! 


Oh and look at these amazing gothic looking mushrooms with you that I found in the middle of decay. 





"let's master the joy of living!"

morning thoughts on the meaning of life

What do you think the meaning of life is? Last night I had a dream about just that. For a period of time I have gotten the same answer to this question over and over. What I have received is that the meaning of life is simple: to live.

In my dream I was telling my mum why some, especially younger people, were more prone to depression. I woke up with the understanding that trying to understand everything, makes it easier for you to fall into depression. Especially if you are trying to understand you are feeling depressed. Whatever you focus on grows!

I'll give myself as an example, when I start to feel down, I often start of by trying to figure out "why am I feeling this way, what is the cause", instead of letting that go and ask "what would make me feel better right now?" and go onto doing that for a while. I sometimes get stuck in this when I am drawing and all of a sudden I don't feel joy from drawing anymore so I can start thinking "but why am I not feeling good from drawing, I thought I loved to draw" that's when it's better to shift to "I would feel better by doing something else right now, maybe I'm hungry or just need some rest".  That is also something to be very thankful for, that your beeing is telling you that there is something else that should be focused upon. It can be a bit troublesome when you are not sure what it is. That is when I just lay down and rest. Letting go of those thoughts that says you should be productive all the time. For me the feelings and thoughts of having to be productive, that you must do, do do, is what keeps all the doing from happening. It strangels the natural flow! I have been and still am a bit quick to jump on the negativity train, only infusing more negativity and low vibrations into my energy field.

A tip is to whenever you feel those low vibrations coming, rest, sleep, meditate, to simply let go. This could also mean draw, go for a run, get into nature, make a jummy meal or snack, change, turn on or turn off the music, let yoursef just be!

blueberry cacao smoothie kind of morning

love the view of sunrays in the morning

Woke up this morning 5.26am Mew keeps waking me up, MJAU MJAU, I like that! As much as I like to stay up late (going to bed before 1am haha) I love to get up early and get things going. Ha oh, after writing this I put on makeup, felt strange, went back to bed and then Mew woke me up again, I wanted to go back to sleep but he keeps screaming at me until I awake. I truly am greatful for that since it was almost 10am. I thanked him so much and went to make a smoothie. I now feel awesome and refreshed again!

No smoothies for mew, two smoothies for me :D
Going to see if I can one big glass today for my smoothies, or a cup. Would like to have two big ones! Because you know what, I'm getting out of my bubble and invite friends over at times! I think I used to have half litre cups with lids before, after using up coconut oil. Think I might have left it at my parents. Perhaps I should just consume a bit more coconut oil since those are awesome, so is coconut oil (virigin organic of course)! You can put the lid on and throw it into your bag and have your smoothie outside and about!. Mhh Keep loving this whole mix with raw cacao and blueberries. AMAZING! The one things is though that I want to make smoothies almost ALL the time. I do drink a lot of smoothies but also listen to what my body says. Starting to crave some sallad right now Mhhm. Must go and get me some vegetables too so I can make a huge jummy sallad for lunch today.

Recipe for todays morning smoothie:
(quite well meassured this morning actually)
❤ Vegan ❤ Organic ❤ 
♥ 2 frozen bananas
♥ 1dl / 0.4cup frozen blueberries
♥ 1dl / 0.4cup 50/50 mixed cashews and brazil nuts
♥ 3 tablespoons raw cacao
 1 tablespoon cacao nibs
♥ 1 tablespoon maca
♥ 2 dates
♥ 2 teaspoons spirulina
♥ 1 teaspoon ceylon cinnamon
♥ 1 teaspoon roseroot♥ 2.5dl / 1cup water


you turn in what you tune into

Good morning everyone! Little tip of this morning; when you feel like poop, go to sleep or do something to put you into a meditative state. This brings you to a place of very little to no recistance. You tune into your unconcious and can let everything flow more nicely. This is exactly what I did this morning an now I feel fantastic again!
 
Mew woke me up at about 5.30, I wrote down what I could remember of my dreams, tried to go back to sleep but he kept calling me to wake up. I decided to drink a glass of water with MSM in it, taste not so good but it helps your body to take yo nutrients. It is also said to help with reumatism etc, my mum has reutaism and just started taking MSM sumpliments, I'll report back how it works for her! Either way I woke up and felt quite good about everything in general. Yesterday I did remove a huge blockage from my subconsious and concious mind that had been itching back and forth since February (!!!). My mind, body and soul is still getting used to the changes and the path we are choosing to walk on. I've been a bit shattered not knowing where to go and what to do, not been able wo live the way I want to because of this. Many, many great lessons have and are coming out of this and I'm looking forward to start sharing more of all this with you!

my snapchat is "angaialica" if you like to follow me there!
Oh back to it again. Ha it's nice feeling all bubbly, happy and not feeling as if I want to eit my writing for it to look and sound "proper" or make much sense. More fun if it's as if I'm writing in my own journal at times, a little bit edited since I have trouble beeing 100% open and honest about every single little detail as you noticed. I know I will tell you all about this one day and we'll all have a HUGE laugh! I got up and made an AMAZING smoothie cream, now I'm out of cashews. Note to self: Buy more chashews! After eating I fet like listening to music and putting on some makeup. I rarely feel like putting on makeup these days. My mind wandered to not so fun places while doing that and cenarios of what might occur in my life started scaring me. I started feeling tired and crappy. One part of my mind told me to stay up and keep going woth my day but the other one (that I am glad I decided to listen to) told me to lay down, rest and sleep if I felt like it. I cuddled up in the sofa with my cosy blanket and fell alseep. At first I had an wuite unsettling dream or thought, it was a strange mix of how I was hugging a friend and it did not feel as comfortable as I would have thought. Then I fell asleep, woke up, felt really good, went to get my dream journal, took a look at the clock 10.10 Oh how pretty numbers gets me in an even better mood. I started scribbling down my dreams and BAM got a text from a friend who I am missing very much right now, two seconds later my grandmother started writing on wordfeud and it was as if it was a brand new sunny day! Although it's very cloudy and raining outside.

Recipe for this little cream (going to make it even better for later)
❤ Vegan ❤ Organic 
♥ 2 frozen bananas
♥ 1dl / 0.5cup frozen blueberries
♥ 1dl / 0.5cup cashew nuts
♥ 2 tablespoons raw cacao
 1 tablespoon cacao nibs
♥ 1 tablespoon maca
♥ 2 dates
♥ 2 teaspoons spirulina
♥ 1 teaspoon ceylon cinnamon
♥ 1 teaspoon roseroot

coconut cacao cream

❤ Vegan ❤ Organic 


In love with making creams right now! I like to throw a little bit of this and a little bit of that into a blender and see how it goes. Usually it turns out nice and smooth (since the blender mixes everything to a nice cream ha ha). Today's cream was filled with a lot of my favourites; raw cacao, coconut, cinnamon and nuts! To show how a regular cream for me might look like after throwing in a bit of this and that, here is the recipe.

Recipe:
(Roughly meassured, I tend to go more on feeling so use less or more if that feels right to you!)
♥ 2 bananas (I used one frozen)
♥ 1/2 avacado
♥ 1/4 coconut about 1.5dl/0.6 cup
♥ 2 tablespoons raw cacao
♥ 2 tablespoons cashew nuts

♥ 1 tablespoon cacao nibs
♥ 1 tablespoon ceylon cinnamon (sweeter than the usual cinnamon)
♥ 1 tablespoon sunflower seeds
♥ 3 dates 
♥ 2 teaspoons spirulina 
♥ 1 teaspoon fennel powder
♥ 1 teaspoon roseroot powder
♥ 1 ml vanilla powder
♥ enough water to make it mix smoothly



morning thoughts about physical empathy

I have been getting some information flooded to me, trough me about beeing an empath. More specifically about physical empathy. This might have come before I just usually forget these things since I either forget to write them down, forget I have written them adn/or have not discussed it with anyone. This is actually one of the main reasons I want to start blogging again I believe. To connect with similiar minded and be able to talk and discuss these kinds of things when questions pop up. I live in a small town where people with the similar questeions and ideas on their minds are a bit tricky to come by and am sure many of you are in a similar situation. This might also be a good thing, it can help strenghten the connection if you let it!

I was at a festival yesterday, sober, except if you count the raw cacao I had been eating haha! Beeing sober this evening made me think a lot deeper about this topic (since I had nothing in me to influence me in the way I started feeling). Even though I slept less than usual I did not expect to wake up hung over. Or at least that is how I feel. At the same time I felt as if I was under the influence of other substances last night as well. Not to the point that I actually could believe that someone accidentally slipped something into my water bottle. But to the point where I brought it up with a friend right then and there, started questioning it a bit.
(I assume most of you know what an empath is, someone beeing able to feel another person as as if they feel themselves. Usually when I come across reading and hearing about empaths it is about feeling other peoples emotions and/or feelings. What I have not heard as much about is if or rather how we absorb other parts of energies around us.
Just as we can heal ourselves and others, feel what they feel etc. It is only logical that we are able to absorb substanses someone might have in their body. To what extent we can do this is very personal although it is certainly something you can develop further if you like, it is also something that will grow over time without anyone having to do anything about it. We are in a constant flow of change and growth, it is beautiful. Another way to think about this is that if you want to get drunk and do not want to drink, develop your empathic skills and absorb the energies around you haha. Or if you want to keep your body 100% non influenced by any substances, stay away from people who hve them in them or learn of to block that flow. This I hear now is a form of energetic vampirism when come to think of it.

Writing about this seems to be a way for me to further connect the information that is given to me, comfirming that this is truth. I do thinkg it might be fun to share thoughts and stories around a subject rather than only telling or writing about (for example) "this is what physical empathy is" right away. I like getting personal. For now I saved a few of my old post for you to read in order to see and for some to remember where I used to be only a while back. I have not read trough them all but as I remembered I liked to get quite personal about what I was going trough. I see now how that amplified what I was going trough, just as this amplifies what is going trough me right now. Also logical, whatever you focus on grows!

Please feel free to share your thoughts and questions that might come up about this. Also always feel free to share whatever you are thinking about here.
I would love to hear what ways you would prefer that I talk about things for now. We create together and throwing myself into this I realise that I am not sure yet in what stand point I want to write and share from. I do feel writing is a good way for me to start since as I mentioned earlier, it seems to strentghten my connection a lot. I will continue with videos as well, start to grow and develop my speaking skills. I feel this is going to be a lot of fun as long as we keep up with it. Hope you all are having and will continue having an amazing day!

Eating raw on a budget!

A few simple tips on how you can manage to eat raw on a budget. First thing of course is to prioritise your eating and health if that is waht you want to focus on. Wether that be raw or not. I believe listening to your body comes first. I went cold turkey raw and it was not the best for my stomach that aready was acting up. If your body is in the vibration of not beeing fully raw, listen to it! I might even sometimes slip in something that isn't fully raw sometimes. Eating healthy and happily, do not restrict yourself to a certain diet just because someone said so!

Investigation is over!

Yup, that was it. It went super quickly. My psychologist didn't feel she needed to know anything more inte order to set the diagnosis. I guess it was pretty obvious. So I got my diagnosis today, Autism. The model which they use at this healthcare center is the DSM-5 (if I'm not misstaken) and they don't have Asperger as a diagnosis anymore. If they did, that would have been my diagnosis.

I've heard many who had a lot longer instestigations, but I suppose it may depend on how dep into it you go. My psychologist said that she did not like to do just for the sake of doing. I agree with her. I will miss her because I really liked her, but I wil not miss going to this healthcare center. I don't want to go into detail on why, I probably will one day but not now. I will still go back next week to read everything she has written about me. It's about 5 A4 of information that will go in my journal, that I also will get a copy of whenever I need it in certain situations.

Today we went trough the test I had done. I got to know my IQ, at least according to this test and know what my strengths are. In some things I was waaaaay over average and in a few I was below average. This hit my pretty hard because it feels like a faliure. I want to score high, I want to do good and be great! But I noticed during the test that I'm really bad at some things. What I was really bad at (not really bad but below average) was describing de smiliraity between words. What I was really good at was building pictures with the blocks and adding the last symbol into a series of symbols. I got to know that I made one wrong answer on the series of symbols one, this also hit me wuite hard. I feel really bad about it. That last one was the hardest and she said she thought I was going to get the correct answer on it. Maybe I would have if I would have thought for a tiny bit longer, ugh, I'm a bit mad at myself. The time wasn't up, I could have looked at it for a little longer and gotten it right. I know this has nothing to do with the outcome of my diagnosis but I feel unintelligent for not getting it right. Hmm silly, silly, I wish things like this didn't bother me so much. I know I have gotten similar symbol questions like that one right before. HA, I'm really stuck on this. So angry with myself. I don't want to say what my IQ landed on because I'm ashamed of that too. It's a lot lower than I thought it was. I know that's because I have problems in some areas and are very gifted in others, but still. Even if you only counted the gifted parts it was lover than I wanted. Ugh I really have to find a way to let this go. Constant feeling of not feeling good enough. Blah. Ok enough of this.

I don't know what will happen now. I will go back on Tuesday to read trough everything. But after that? I have no idéa what I want to do with my life at the moment at all. I have ruled out working with anything that has to do with service, my psychologist strongly agrees with me. It makes me both understimulated because my brain needs to work more. I also get overstimulated because of the impressions from everything around me and having to be social, talking to people and process everything. So I'm still quite lost. I don't know if I will continue to be on sick leave or if I have to choose something to do now. I guess I should see someone who can help me understand what I "need", so I can adapt my surroundings after my needs. For you who don't know that is a pretty big part of this diagnosis, it's not an illness. There are no medication for the diagnosis itself but there are medication for it's side effects. Something you have to focus on is adapt your surroundings after yourself because if you adapt yourself after your surroundings, you usually end up feeling like a bag of poop. That's why I first had to go on sick leave, because of fatigue depression caused by me not beeing able to adapt. Oh this is turning into a long post, I'm going to round off now.

I shall write down my questions for my psychologist on Tuesday and then I will go for a run. So many questions that I have trouble putting into words, it's good I have the whole weekend to think!
This is my winter running jacket, I love it!

Investigation day 3

Sorry for the delay on this one. I was having my third meeting last Monday. At first when I got there we talked a little, I had four almost fully filled A4 that I had written with information. She wrote down somethings that I said that I had forgot to write down or mention before. I don't remember what it was, but it was significant to the investigation. She also brought me some tea, yum!

After a while we started with the test/exercises. Uhm... I don't remember exactly in what order we did everything but I'll try to remember best I can. I think we started with her saying numbers, for example 1 - 2 - 3 and then I was going to repeat them. After that she read more numbers but this time I was going to repeat them backwards. I did not like this exercise, my brain shut off and I couldn't really feel my body after a few numbers in. It felt like I was floating and I could not focus on what she was saying. I ten got to look at pictures, it was very similar to those kind of IQ test pictures you can do online for free. You have a set of boxes with symbols/pictures in them and one is missing, then you have a few symbols/pictures underneath and you are going to say which one is the missing one. I usually do really good at those but I don't think I did that great on this one. She said I did, but I don't know, if I had more than 2 wrong I'd say that was really bad. Another exercise we did was building a story. She pulled out some cards with pictures at random and I were to put them in the right order. Some of them were quite hard, or haha, I think it's hard when I don't get it right in 1 second. I didn't have trouble with it but still. I then got to do even another repeating numbers exercises, but this time it was with letters too. If she said 3 - 2 - b - a I was going to repeat them back in order, 2 -3 - a - b. It was the same with that one, my brain shut off and I started floating. BUT THEN, then I got to do something really fun! She gave me a piece of paper with lots of symbols on them. There were two symbols to the left and six (I think) symbols to the right and I was going to see if any of those two symbols were in the row to the right. There were a few pages with these and you checked a box with yes or no at the end of the line. I didn't manage to fill out the whole thing (all these things are timed) but it was still fun. I wish I would have been able to fill out the shole thing though, I would have felt pretty cool if I had!

That's about what we had time with. My mum and dad has now filled in one of those papers with questions and sent it back to my psychologist. They're going to have a phone "metting" or what I should call it, tomorrow talking about it. My psychologist said if what my mum has to say about when I was little doesn't differ too much from how I am today, then we might be done tomorrow already. But I'm not to sure about that. I was very different when I was younger from what I am today. But we'll see. I didn't think it would go this quickly, but She did have quite a lot to go on before I came to her. My other doctors and psychologist had written about this in my journals and I believe all my writing helped a bit too!

I'm now going back tomorrow, after the phone meeting/interview is done. I have no idéa what will happen next. I don't know if I will continue to be on sick leave, if I'm going to see other people at this place or anything. I must ask that tomorrow.

Me yesterday and Mew sleeping a few days ago.


Investigation day 2

Oh I'm very tired today. I went back to the psychologist early this morning, not that early I was there at 10am. Today was fun too! We started out with me having to point out the missing thing in pictures. That one was easy and fun! Or it felt easy, I'm not sure if I did well on it or not, I think I did. Then I had to explain what certain words meant, that was really hard. I can't even explain words I use on a daily basis but I did my best. The last six words were words I have never heard in my life! After that It was a really fun exercise or test, not sure what to call it really. It was a paper with numbers on a row, under every number there was a blanc box. At the top of the page 1-9 were listed with a different symbol for each. I filled in the blanc boxes with the right symbols. My psychologist then turned the page and I had to fill out two rows without seeing what symbol went with which number. It was super easy and I filled them all. She was very surprised how quickly I did it and said that she had never seen anyone do that before. I felt really cool! But then I had to say what made two things similar. For example how is a boat and a car similar to eachother and how is love and hate similar to eachother. At the time I could not answer the love and hate question, but when I told my mum I got it, they are both feelings. I think that's the right answer. When I was done with that I got to build with blocks. I first had four and after that nine, I got to look at a picture and build the same pattern with the blocks as the picture showed. That one was really fun too and I was really good at it. The last exercise/test we did was math. I had to listen to the math questions and solve them in my head. I have not done that in a long time, so it felt hard but she said I did really well on that one too.

I think today was to find my strenghts and what I'm maybe not so great at. We did not have time to finish everything but I will go back on monday and continue. I brought a paper where I had written down a bunch of things that I remembered I should have told her when I got home. I wasn't sure if she would appreciate it, but she did! She told me twice after that that if I thought of more things that I should write it down and bring to her. That felt really good, I wasn't sure if it was a good thing to do or not. So now I have written down a whole A4 with more things, or not things I explain very well what I mean so it's not that many different things. The last paper was over one and a half A4. I think I've written down most things now.

Next week I will have at least one more appointment and my psychologist also have a phone appoitment with my mum. They're going to talk about me when I was around 5-12. My mum will get some papers to fill before the "interview". I hope I will get to know how that part went or see the paper(s) my mum is going to fill out later, it's a bit fun! I hope I will get to fill even more forms, it's so much fun. Even though some of the questions are really hard and I have to write a lot about the answer chose. Now I'm very tired, extra tired, I've been tired all day. I think it might be from the exercises/tests but I'm not sure. I'm still heading out for a walk now, fighting my tiredness everyday!

Damien and me.

Sometimes Damien likes to cuddle with me!

Investigetion day 1

I started my investigation for Autistic Spectrum Disorder and ADHD/ADD today. I wasn't sure if it was going to be for both but now in the very beginning I got some papers to fill up and it said adhd and add on them so yepp. Although this time I was very welcome to write comments after the questions and not only fill in a box. The psychologist I have now seems really kind, caring and proffessional. I got the feeling that she knows a lot more than my last one. It felt really good beeing able to specify my answers to the questions because sometimes I feel that just circling a number or puting an x in a box is not enough most of the time. Some questions even have two questions in them so I had to give two different answers because they did not go hand in hand for me. My last psychologist didn't even try to listen to me when I had difficulties filling out those things. She wanted the one answer and the one answer only.

Today we just talked. I said everything I had said to the other people I have met there already. But she asked me more difficult questions. For example, if I could compare feelings to my anxiety and other things. She also said I don't seem depressed. Right now I don't feel depressed either, this is so wierd. Today I feel really good, still a bit slow an not very up and about, but I don't feel down. I see that as a good thing of course, even though it aslo scares me a little when I'm not a huge fan of changes. Even good ones are tough sometimes.

She asked me when I had time to come back and I said I wanted to come back as soon as I could. SO I'm going back tomorrow already! She said I was going to sit at her table and do some tests. Not these papers I got home with me today, where I circle numbers or put x in boxes. This was going to be something else. I'm a bit excited. I liked a lot, she was so kind, listened and didn't interupt me. I think we were going to book new upcoming appointments tomorrow too. That would be nice, to have all days booked instead of booking a new appointment everytime I'm there.

Not from today but a very pretty picture of me and Mew he he heheheheh.

Today I feel good.

I usually feel really, really bad on mondays, because of these appointments I have at the health care place. But today I feel really good. Everything went so well and it lifts me up. I haven't told you here but I know many of you probably know that I've finally gotten an appointment to start my investigation for autistic spectrum disorder. ON WEDNESDAY! THIS WEDNESDAY! I feel happy about that today. Yesterday and all the days before that I couldn't really feel anything for it, even though I have been fighting to get trough horrible appointments to get here. I actually feel excited right now.

The last two weeks my friend Mixi has been living with me, or visiting me. But it feels like she's living here because we've spent so much time together. She's leaving tomorrow, I don't really want that. Even if we only sit on the sofa with the tv on and look at our phone screens I really enjoy her company. None of us have that much energy to do anything else. But we have gone food shopping a couple of times and I have started to run again. Or, I have been our on one run and one walk so far, but I just started. This year I have set some things I would like to stick to, no goals, but a list that I will do my very best to follow. It's short so I'll share it:
  • Run at least 3 times a week.
  • Muscle exercises at least 2 times a week.
  • Do my makeup at least 3 times a week.
If I reach these rumbers, great! If I reach over them (especially the exercising part), awesome! If I don't reach them but did my very best, then that is great too! I feel no preassure from it so far and if I start to feel preassure, I will just change it.
The makeup thing is because I recently discovered that I've started to dislike how I look without makeup. But when I have days when I wear makeup, I like how I look when I wash it off. I think I might need that variation or something, I don't know I'm not going to put that much thought into it now.

I also need to figure out my hair situation. I think it only bothers me to much because my overall mental health is not that well. I would usually just do whatever, but it feels so big now. Not knowing what to do. I'm still debating on brushing out my dreads. In the beginning I felt so myself in them and so comfortable. But then all this cultural appropriation came from left and right. It was pretty new to me when I first got them, but still asked the only firned I have who had a say in it and the one who I respect the most didn't even know what I was going on about and said she thought it was awesome. Anyway, it has now gotten into a huge negative spiral in my head and I don't know if I can keep them anymore. I don't dare to feel comfortable in them anymore because I feel I'm not allowed to wear my hair this way because I'm white. It don't think it matters what anyone says about this topic anymore, I've even had anxiety attacks because I feel like a really bad person. I've tried to talk and discuss the topic with people who bring it up but I just get yelled at for beeing stupid when I don't understand what it says in the links they provide. I've never been able to discuss it or really talk about it with anyone because I just get linked stuff and if I don't understand that well I'm blinded by my privilige and that's that. So I now often feel ver ashamed for beeing white and wearing dreads. I just want to let this whole thing go, but when I try to I think back on how stupid I was to get my sidecuts, if I hadn't it would be a lot easier to brush everything out and just leave this whole thing behind. I now see myself as a shitty little white shit who complains about something super silly as a way to wear your hair. I also feel very stupid for getting them in the first place because, everything. Bleh. I often wish I never had gotten them and had just left my hair for what it was before. I try to tell myself all the time that "it's just hair, it'll grow back, it doesn't matter". Sometimes I do listen, but most of the time I just feel stupid. I don't want to feel stupid!

I'm going to eat breakfast now. I was going to do that over an hour ago, but I got stuck here and in my thoughts and then this hair issue came up and... Negative spiral. I'll try to leave that an focus on breakfast and happy thoughs, I was feeling really good and I will get back to that!



Guacamole recipe!



I made guacamole for the first time ever today! 
I usually just buy the pre made, unhealthy guacamole when I want it. But today i thought NO MORE! So I checked some recipes online and realized how easy it was to make your own. You don't need much stuff at all. Specially not me when I don't like a lot of spices and extra ingredients in my food. I decided to give it a try and it turn out really good! So here is my recipe on guacamole!


hurt

I was going to write here how proud I was over myself today. But I just had a really, really bad anxiety attack, or still sort of am. I haven't been able to stop crying yet but I am in control over my body, so I'm not hitting things or myself anymore. I just got the first comment on my blog that really got to me and I guess this is why I stoppped blogging. I can't handle it sometimes. It was about Spock and I still haven't been able to not blame myself for what happened. That I got so ill that I coudln't take care of my baby :( I miss him so much. I feel so horrible when I think if him because so many have put the blame on me, for beeing such a bad person for having him and then having to give him up. I wish with all my heart that he was here with me now and that I could manage to take care of him. It's not that I didn't know how much work it would be, I knew, both Roberto and I knew. But I got so sick and we didn't want him to suffer because of me. He was to young to be able to handle me getting so sick. I couldn't walk without having trouble to breathe, those problems are gone now but I had them for quite some time after Spock left. + there are more to this than what I want to write for everyone to read, I guess that's something that is easily forgotten.

I don't even know what I have written now. I don't really know what I answered to that comment either. ugh I'm so empty and sweaty now. I was having such a good day, I managed to go into down and get some mulled wine and Roberto and I was going to have such a cosy evening when he got home from work. I don't know if I'm up for that anymore. Hopefully I'll be able to calm down completely and let this go for today. I know Spock is having it so amazingly great with his new family. Even though I wish more than ever that he was still here with me. I want to stop blaming myself for something that wasn't my fault and I want it to stop hurting.

update:
I've started to calm down comletly now. I'm happy and proud that I managed to go into town and buy mulle wine. I'm mostly proud that I even got out of the apartment! Roberto will be home soon and we'll have pizza! Yum yum yum! No more blaming myself for putting Spocks needs before my own.

Here are some pictures from earlier today when I was happy with Mew. I don't know what I'd do without him.

New green smothie recipe.

This is my first green smoothie in a very long time. I did a little bit of experimenting. I put in some hemp seeds and broccoli along with what I usually use. It turned out lovely! 

As I wrote earlier I went shopping yesterday and only bought a bunch of organic vegetables for this. Even though I don't have a lot of money to spend on food I want what I get to be as good for me as possible. Not saying I don't eat junk, I do haha, but I think you understand what I mean. I haven't found organic mango yet, or not frozen. But I will start to do my smoothies from whatever organic things are avalible for my wallet from now on!


throwback

Yepp, this is me. I'm pretty sure I was 15 here. not 100% sure, I may have been 16. It's 8-9 years ago. Baaah, I was 16 yesterday...




Offended

I want to share this post that my body modification artist, Chai, wrote yesterday, can also be found on Calms blog: www.calmbodymod.com/blog. I'm getting more and more sick and tired of not only TV4 (a television channel in Sweden) but also our radio stations and other television channels. I've recently started to see that they are far from as great, neutral and caring as most people seem to think. I will not rant about that, I'd say ,read his story down below. 

Pictures from Miss Button's Jewelry and Chai's instagram.




Ok.. Let the rant begin... Since I have a lot of non-Swedish-speaking-friends I'll keep this in English.

PLEASE READ THE ENTIRE POST BEFORE YOU CHOSE TO SHARE.

I performed two RFID-implants live on Nyhetsmorgon on Swedish TV4 early this morning. It was a blast and everyone was super nice and humble. I got extremely well taken care of by everyone in the building but especially by the show hosts, make-up artists, producers and assistants. I arrived with a smile and I left with a bigger smile.

As many of you know I've chosen to follow Buddhism as a religious view and have been raised with Buddhist views of life from my loving mother who's from Thailand. I have also chosen to have the sacred swastika tattooed on my throat "guarded" by two Buddhas that are placed on both sides of my neck. A sacred symbol of LOVE, LIFE, LUCK and LIGHT. This, of course, created a shitstorm from the viewers. It's ok. I can take that as long as I can have a say. I was given the opportunity to explain my beliefs after an intermission of the show. I gladly accepted as I, as usual, saw this as a golden opportunity to educate those who has the belief that the swastika (which isn't a German word that many believe, but a Sanskrit word) was created by the nazis.

After I had explained my views live on tv it was time for me to leave the show and continue on with my day but only after they'd set up an interviewer and a cameraman outside the studio. They wanted a longer conversation about me and my use of the swastika to post on their webcast online. They wanted the interview to refer to if other viewers found themselves upset and in need of more answers. Great idea according to me! When I was done they escorted me out of the building and had a taxi waiting for me. I felt like a VIP!

This is where my disappointment begun...

As soon as I stepped in to my apartment I found out that that TV4 had removed everything from the web and had apologized to the public for having me in their show. THEY APOLOGIZED TO THE PUBLIC FOR HAVING ME ON THE SHOW!!! I've never felt so violated, offended and sad ever before. Because of people's ignorance of history beyond 70 years ago I have to be stepped on PUBLICLY by one of the biggest broadcasting networks in Sweden. I expected more from TV4. You allowed the nazis to win. Don't you see that? Instead of actually stand your ground and display facts you chose to let uneducated people in this wonderful country to let the nazis win. Degrading and pathetic behavior! How about standing up for the more than 600 million people who still view the swastika, and has been for 3500 years, as the beautiful symbol that it is. Yes, it was stolen by an awful person during a dark period of Europe's history but given what it has been for a LONG period before those dark times, isn't it about time to take it back? Reclaim it? But no... You gave in to the mob created by a faulty educational system. That's what you did. You took a piss on my religion without hesitation. You chose to offend me deeply.

I doubt that this rant will have an effect but at least I let my voice be heard. I am a proud Buddhist and I won't apologize my beliefs. I am a body modification artist and if someone, someday comes up with an idea on how to implant spines in those who obviously lack them I will gladly offer the procedure for free.

That's what I had to say.

Your move, Anders Edholm (Press Officer for TV4 Nyhetsmorgon).

To all of you amazing people in my realm that has supported me (A HUGE THANK YOU!) by sharing your thoughts about this issue all over social media please contact TV4 if you feel that you can spend the energy. They need to know what they've done. What prevents them of stepping on your religion next?

Love and light! ❤️
 

thank you

I just want to thank you for all your kind words. I was expecting a lot of mean comments. I have not gotten one yet. Why I thought I would be getting mean ones is because I've been accused in the past for facing my illness and this was a very light build up. Or for me it is. I have no idea how others have it and don't mean to say that it's not hard if you have even lighter build ups (or what to call them) than I had in that video. It's so different from person to person. However since I only really know how it is for me I almost felt a bit silly. I did get a smaller attack later on, but it was over pretty quickly and I could go on with my day. My friend Charlie was going to come over (a part of why everthing felt so stressfull etc that day), he still cam and we baked, drank mulled wine and danced the dance game! We had a lot of fun!

I also want to thank Emilia (who I can't link to), who gave me the link to the health care guarantee. I knew I had read somewhere that I should get my investigation in THREE months tops. But I couldn't remember where. I think I read it in a forum or something. This means I have the right to start my invesstigation in a little less than two months. And not wait SIX months. I might be shipped of to new place, I don't really want that because I like the people at the place where I am now. But I still don't want to wait six more months. I feel so locked. I can't do a lot of things that I would like to do. Now I'm also scared about not beeing able to go on my abroad trip (that is booked and payed for). I really, really hope I can because last time it gave me a lot of strength to go someplace new, rest and work out. Now I don't think this place we're going is one of those hotels with exercise programs etc. But I will snorkle and bring my running shoes!

Thank you again everyone, also for beeing so understanding. I feel so bad and build up anxiety whenever I can't do things I've said I'm going to do. Like that video. I also build up anxiety when I can't or don't have anything to update my blog with. I think that's why I stoped blogging in the first place. I'm doing my best not to let it build up because of that though. I'm trying to tell myself that it's ok not updating everyday. I hope I'm getting there!

I don't really care if I'm getting more sick...

This might be a "way to much information" post. About physical end mental illness and issues. Quite negative too, just so you know.

Tomorrow I'll be going to my doctor, again... I was at my surgeon today for my check up (many months later than it should have been due to stuff), he said that everything looked great and the swelling and soreness was not from any complications from the surgery. Which is good, as long as it's not anything worse. He suggested it may be hormonal imbalance. It sounds beliveble to me, I've read up on it and it can fit.

My tongue is also starting to swell up, I just talked to my mum and she thought I sounded ill, but it's just my tounge that is getting big. I also have these really wierd spots on it. I'vre tried to google it but nothing comes up that looks like it. The swelling could be because of hormonal imbalance too, but those wierds spots. Uhmmm... The ones that look most similare are the ones that turns out to be cancer, but it's still quite far from what mine looks like. I would take a picture haha but I don't think anyone would like to see that. People seem to think that kind of stuff is gross.

I've started to feel feverish, but I don't have fever, or I have fever according to me and my normal temperature, but not according to doctors. I get exhausted from walking up short hills or stairs, but I can dance quite a lot wihout getting tired. I also stink, I can't even wash off the smell, it's crazy. Once again hormonal imbalance could be the cause of it. But uh. I care less and less every day. I feel that a part of me even wish this is something serious so that I will get some help for something instead of just sitting around waiting...

I got a message today saying how long the waiting list is to get the investigation. It jut made me cry. It may not sound that much when I tell you, it's 6 months. But I'll explain why I took this they way I did (or am, I'm still really down about this).
When I got sent to this new place where I am right now and where my investigation for Autistic Spectrum Disorder is going to take place I got put on sickleave until Febuary. The way I understood that doctor (not my usual one), was that the investigation would most likely be over and done by then. When I started to go there, met a new doctor, a nurse and left som blood samples and such I asked how long it was going to take for the investigation to start. I then got the answer that "after you have started to leave tests it doesn't take long". So I thought, that meant 3 months, tops. I also got put on a priority list (which I have no hopes for at all at the moment), that made me think it could take only 1-2 months before we got started.
I've had this whole idéa built up that I would be done with this before my birthday. Now it looks like I will not even have begun before my birthday. When these sort of things happens my whole world sort of collpases. I had this thing all figured out, how it was going to go, I even put on extra months so I wouldn't get to where I am right now. Because I know that I get like this and I do my best to avoid it. But then this happened and I feel that I don't even want to do this anymore.

I can't really go anywhere either. Because I have appointments at this place once a week. I wish I could just go away and stay with my parents for a while. But no. I oculd for about a week. I will go and visit, but I just feel locked to waiting. I know that's in my imagination but it's very hard to break free from.

I've been on sick leave for more or less 1 and a half year now. At first I thought I was going back pretty soon. Now I know that's highly unlikely. Then in the begining of this summer I got an appointment to a psychologist, I thought that's when my investigation started. Turned out that was not the case. It was some sort of "before investigation" thing, I think. Then she sent me forward to another place (where I am now) and, everything goes so slowly and I feel as if I'm standing still just waiting whie nothing is happening.

So, tomorrow I'll be going back to my doctor. I was there last friday to check up on the swelling in my breasts (I did mention this a little earlier), she didn't find anything then. So that's good, I hope. But I forgot about my tongue and now when it has started to swell up and look even worse I have to go back. Internet told me so haha. A nurse I called for guidence also told me to go to my doctor as soon as possible so, mjeh, going back. Hopefully I'll know more about what's going on tomorrow.

feeling better

I have just taken photos of the Killstar clothes on, so it will be up today! My fever is down, a bit today, so I don't even feel ill! Woh! My scalp is itching and itching and itching... I thought I did a good job not getting the dye on my scalp, guess I was wrong there. Or it doesn't itch as much as last time so maybe I was pretty good at it this time. But it was worth it! I will be ok not getting it pitch black on the roots again. I may even end up dark brown instead. Because I will not dye my scalp with something that makes me get rashes all over my scalp again. Time will tell.

I do feel a lot more comfortable with my hair dark though! I love pink, but I rather have it on clothes, accesories and makeup! I also still have my braid that has some pink in it! 



cosy christmas fika

My mum and I bought some lovely organic mulled whine, saffron buns, gingerbread and filled up a cup with her home made fudge yesterday. We were going to make our own saffron buns but I was way to tired after this whole week that we decided to buy some instead. We watched both Santa Claus and Elf (with breaks for food ^--^). Then afterwards when my mum wanted to sleep I played Just Dance, she could sleep even if I danced so that was great for both of us.


This is my new favourite mulled wine. It's very sweet and rich in flavour, it was good both warm and cold. So lots of thumbs up. It was avalible both in bottle and box, bot were beautiful AND it was cheaper than the non organic! We did try another one too but it tasted a lot of alcohol even though it wasn't a lot in it, it also was pretty flat and did not taste like christmas. The one above did taste like christmas!