Getting personal again.

1/29/2013 06:21:00 PM


I spoke to my mum yesterday (we talk almost everyday) but yesterday we talked about why I am the way I am and what I can do to change. Specially now with my hospital visit and everything! We did not really make any progress. Maybe a little.
I'll try to explain this short and simple. I've always had very, very, VERY high expectations of myself. In school, if I didn't get the highest scores or grades, I thought I sucked. When I painted I could get happy for a very short period about the result and then start thinking NO I SUCK. I just thought I sucked at everything unless it was TOP NOTCH, it never was.

This became a huge problem when Roberto and I started dating. We almost broke up ones (in the beginning) because of it. I actually think that might have been a big part why we had our break too. Because this makes me very needy sometimes. For his attention, not now anymore. That's actually some progress I've made. Hmm NEver thought of that. I NEVER see progress. I might see some when I compare one thing, let's say my face charts, from the first one until today. But I still think they're just as bad... yes that's another thing. I say they're just as bad. Instead of just as good. Because they are good. I think.

ANYWAYSSSS... My mum said yesterday, something like "I ask you some things to make you think about problems differently". Now I totally undestand and knew what she meant BUT the first thing that popped into my head was "But why, do I usually think in a bad way". It's always ALWAYS the negative. Not little negative things HUGE negative things.

The big question we came to after our long conversation was. How on EARTH am I so happy? How can I be happy when I think nothing I do is good enough, I don't think I fit in with many people because, why would they want to be my friend? It doesn't seem as people want to be my friend. STILL I have a bunch of friends and work friends and. I'm just blind.

Sorry for babbling. I'm not looking for any sympathy or tips or anything. SImply just wanted to share my thoughts. Often when I do share my thoughts I'm better of not getting advice even if you mean well. It's hard to explain but many times when I get advice after posts like this and I haven't asked for it, it feels quite, crappy HAHA. hope you understnad :)
Oh and the pictures are from Sollefteå. I'll be back in just a little bit over 2 weeks, tickets are booked!

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27 comments

  1. I'm like this as well. I can never see the good in what I do. Nothing will ever be perfect either! It's so frustrating!!! But you just have to deal with it and then think about some of the good things you've achieved and stuff... sure you might not have got the best grades and outcomes to get there, but you are there so surely you've done something right...

    I'm babbling now xD xxx

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  2. Well, I feel the same as You somehow described it.I even have some relationships experiences as You had, and the same thoughts about friends. I always have the highest expectations I can get, for myself and for others, for everything I do. Nothing is good never. Or just "good" , not "perfect" too me. Sorry for commenting anonymously, I always comment on Your blog with my data but now I didnt feel like it. But the difference between me and You is that I am NOT happy at all. But we have different lives,and mine is way more complicated than Yours ,maybe thats why Im unhappy. Just wanted You to know that there is someone watching Your blog, liking the way You live and do this,but still feeling the same. Cheers Angelica!

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  3. My boyfriend is just like that. He is super-happy and loves life, but I think the problem is he doesnt love himself. He is proud about what he can do for others and achieve, and that makes him happy. BUT he doesnt love and care for himself, he always puts himself down and strives harder. It seems to me to be the same as what you're dealing with.
    Always love and take care of yourself, its the most important thing.

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  4. well i am too like that: a perfectionist. However unlike you i'm not at all happy & that results to various health issues. Maybe you have found the golden ratio :)

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  5. Jag är likadan, så är man som perfektionist (: och för övrigt tycker jag att du är grymt duktig på det du gör! Det ska du veta (;

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  6. Moi aussi perfectionniste..chacuns des maquillages que je fais ne sont jamais assez beaux...quand je regarde votre travail je suis tout simplement ebailli de ce que je vois. Vous avez de l or entre les mains, vous etes tres douée soyez en fiere.

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  7. hmm.. welcome to the Club. I feel like that... and I love to make sb. laugh - I love it to laugh.
    I think.... the trick is to learn to be proud of yourself (and I cant manage this stupid trick). Learn to love the strange person behind the mirror you see every day.

    greetings from cologne/germany

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  8. Jag skulle tro att det handlar om att du inte har så bra självkänsla, men det har du säkert redan kommit fram till :) Har själv haft liknande problem, men har kommit över dem med hjälp av att läsa böcker osv. Lycka till! :)

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  9. When you think that there's something you can't do.. just compair them. Like you said about the face charts.. they definitely got better with a lot of practise and they'll probably get more better the next time you make them! Everyday is a new day where you learn more about things in life! Embrace it! That's a good thing! Thinking more in a possitive way is something you have to learn in daily basis! you have to "teach" yourself! I hope you'll feel better soon because you are a beautiful person! And i don't mean only on the outside but also on the inside!! <3

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  10. Jag är precis likadan! Så min mamma köpte en bok till mig som hette "Good enough" som handlar typ om hur man ska sluta vara en perfektionist och börja tycka att det man gör är tillräckligt bra! Kan verkligen rekommendera dig att läsa den! Författaren heter Elizabeth Gummesson. Hoppas du lär dig tycka att du är bra, för det är du, även om jag inte ens känner dig så tycker jag att du är bra (annars skulle jag såklart inte följa din blogg). Kram <3

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  11. Oh you´re so cute >///<

    I think it´s great, that you talking about stuff like this :)
    If you see the comments there are a lot people who feel the same (me too).
    An it´s kind of soothing that a nice person like you feel the same.

    For me it helps, because I see I´m not alone :)
    It doesn´t make it a good thing, but it´s good to see somebody can talk about it - to many people nerver talk abou this and that´s wrong >:I

    Sorry for my crappy english ^^; Stay as wonderful as you are ♥ xoxo

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  12. awh, I kind of feel that way too,and you made me see things a litle different, wow, thanks : )

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  13. Have you read The Secret by Rhonda Byrne ? I really enjoyed it and started to see things from a different point of view.

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  14. Hospital visit? Are you sick?

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    Replies
    1. I'm pretty good now, if youw ant to know you cna read this post :) http://www.murderotic.com/2013/01/hospital-visit.html

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  15. Have you ever thought that the reason why you never see progress in yourself is because you already ARE perfection? I wish you could see that. X :)

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  16. Oooh I'm the same, and it sucks SO MUCH!
    Hope we can realize (someday) that we ARE actually getting better at stuff haha, and that we don't really suck.

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  17. I used to be like this too. It was exhausting. Somewhere along the way I figured out that 'not good enough' and 'really good, but could still be better' aren't the same thing. But if you're happy even while being hard on yourself, something must be working for you.

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  18. Jag är precis likadan! Går hos en psykolog ("stresshantering", sex tillfällen, jobbet betalar) och även om det inte har löst problemet så hjälper det mig att försöka tänka lite annorlunda. IBLAND. Sedan kommer det ändå tillbaka att jag måste vara *PERFEKT*. Jag är väldigt mycket "Duktiga flickan" och vill att allt skall vara sådär riktigt djävla perfekt annars blir jag ledsen. Även när jag får beröm från andra för olika saker jag gjort så hittar jag fel och är ändå bara negativ. Hu.

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  19. Du är inte ensam om att tänka så .. Det präglar ens liv så sjukt mycket. Man tror inte att någon bryr sig om en. Har du tips på hur man vänder på det får du gärna skriva dem ;) Skulle behöva dem ! :P

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    Replies
    1. Ne åbde är ju tråkigt stt många andra tänker å känner så. Jag vet och känner stt jag har många som bryr sig om mig, min familj å närmaste vänner. Å katterna hehehehe :D
      Ska jag absolut göra!

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  20. I'm the same... and i don't know, if i made any progress ;( 'cause i'm almost 32yrs now. think it's hard for others to understand and to be with me when i'm in this "mood". sometimes it's better... but it's always there...

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  21. Jag är också likadan, tänker precis i samma banor.
    elelr ja, kanske inte precis, men på samma sätt.

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  22. Du er ikke alene om akkurat det her! Jeg tror flere enn man tror har disse tankene om seg selv.

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  23. I follow your blog almost daily, I like your overall sense of esthetics and I get a lot of inspiration. This is the first time I am commenting though. I'm Swedish but I'll write this in English since I think many of your non-Swedish readers enjoy the comments as well.

    There are other ways to see this personality trait than it being about negativity. Many - if not the majority - of creative, intelligent and high performing people feel like you describe. They are perfectionists because they know they can always do better - and it is the truth. They see the potential they have, which is massive. Because of many different factors, internal and external, we seldom perform to perfection. So there is always something to improve. This only becomes a problem if you can't enjoy what you've actually achieved. It is important to praise yourself for doing your best. Be happy for what you've done so far and be excited about what you will do tomorrow.

    So many people will stop themselves from even starting, because they are afraid of failure, what others will think of them or because they just don't have the endurance to practice. Noone has become really good at something without practice.
    So actually, just creating something, anything, is a huge achievement. One creation always leads to something - you learn from it, you get inspired from it. A creation can't exist without a creation before it.

    Remember, there is no such thing as a completely objective opinion. And your own is no exception. There are also many other values than "good", "bad" or "perfect". Has this work inspired someone else or made them happy? What did I learn from this? What rewards do I get for this work? Do I enjoy doing it? Is it unique, interesting, crazy, beautiful, dark, happy? How will this help me with my next work? And don't forget how fun and exciting it was as a kid, trying out crayons because of the colors, not because it was supposed to get judged. Practice doing things that are not possible for you to improve, and do it just because you like it. Lose a little control and practice failing!

    Having success, and having this great potential, can when combined with a humble personality lead to over-analyzing. To thinking you don't deserve this (compared to others). That your value as a person is linked with your performance. That it's too much being good at what you do AND enjoying it AND even praising yourself for your achievements. Maybe this is one of the reasons why you seek confirmation from others, trying to make them balance it out for you. But this will never be enough because true balance has to come from you, it's only you who can carry it inside you.

    And last - you don't need any "advice", but it's sane and healthy to think and talk about these things, to a certain point of course. The fact that you are happy really says it all. You can look at what is possibly sometimes a problem, but not be totally consumed by it, which is strong and balanced in itself. Your humbleness helps here, to not take yourself too seriously in the end.

    Hope you find this interesting even if not everything applies to you. Hugs and thank you for your blog :)

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  24. vill bara säga att även fast vi inte pratar så ofta längre och ses ännu mer sällan så tänker jag fortfarande på dig som en av mina bästa vänner. du gör mig alltid glad, utan att ens försöka, och du inspirerar mig till tusen. puss på dig!

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  25. Like everyone else, I follow your blog and it really cheers me up. I am really touched reading this, because I always feel the same way. Even though I've achieved a lot, I have a hard time recognizing my own work. It's so weird because in other people it's so easy to see that they've done some amazing stuff, even when it's similar to what I've done, and to admire that, but I have a hard time admiring things in myself.

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