I was going to write here how proud I was over myself today. But I just had a really, really bad anxiety attack, or still sort of am. I haven't been able to stop crying yet but I am in control over my body, so I'm not hitting things or myself anymore. I just got the first comment on my blog that really got to me and I guess this is why I stoppped blogging. I can't handle it sometimes. It was about Spock and I still haven't been able to not blame myself for what happened. That I got so ill that I coudln't take care of my baby :( I miss him so much. I feel so horrible when I think if him because so many have put the blame on me, for beeing such a bad person for having him and then having to give him up. I wish with all my heart that he was here with me now and that I could manage to take care of him. It's not that I didn't know how much work it would be, I knew, both Roberto and I knew. But I got so sick and we didn't want him to suffer because of me. He was to young to be able to handle me getting so sick. I couldn't walk without having trouble to breathe, those problems are gone now but I had them for quite some time after Spock left. + there are more to this than what I want to write for everyone to read, I guess that's something that is easily forgotten.
I don't even know what I have written now. I don't really know what I answered to that comment either. ugh I'm so empty and sweaty now. I was having such a good day, I managed to go into down and get some mulled wine and Roberto and I was going to have such a cosy evening when he got home from work. I don't know if I'm up for that anymore. Hopefully I'll be able to calm down completely and let this go for today. I know Spock is having it so amazingly great with his new family. Even though I wish more than ever that he was still here with me. I want to stop blaming myself for something that wasn't my fault and I want it to stop hurting.
I've started to calm down comletly now. I'm happy and proud that I managed to go into town and buy mulle wine. I'm mostly proud that I even got out of the apartment! Roberto will be home soon and we'll have pizza! Yum yum yum! No more blaming myself for putting Spocks needs before my own.
Here are some pictures from earlier today when I was happy with Mew. I don't know what I'd do without him.