hurt

12/13/2014 04:17:00 PM

I was going to write here how proud I was over myself today. But I just had a really, really bad anxiety attack, or still sort of am. I haven't been able to stop crying yet but I am in control over my body, so I'm not hitting things or myself anymore. I just got the first comment on my blog that really got to me and I guess this is why I stoppped blogging. I can't handle it sometimes. It was about Spock and I still haven't been able to not blame myself for what happened. That I got so ill that I coudln't take care of my baby :( I miss him so much. I feel so horrible when I think if him because so many have put the blame on me, for beeing such a bad person for having him and then having to give him up. I wish with all my heart that he was here with me now and that I could manage to take care of him. It's not that I didn't know how much work it would be, I knew, both Roberto and I knew. But I got so sick and we didn't want him to suffer because of me. He was to young to be able to handle me getting so sick. I couldn't walk without having trouble to breathe, those problems are gone now but I had them for quite some time after Spock left. + there are more to this than what I want to write for everyone to read, I guess that's something that is easily forgotten.

I don't even know what I have written now. I don't really know what I answered to that comment either. ugh I'm so empty and sweaty now. I was having such a good day, I managed to go into down and get some mulled wine and Roberto and I was going to have such a cosy evening when he got home from work. I don't know if I'm up for that anymore. Hopefully I'll be able to calm down completely and let this go for today. I know Spock is having it so amazingly great with his new family. Even though I wish more than ever that he was still here with me. I want to stop blaming myself for something that wasn't my fault and I want it to stop hurting.

update:
I've started to calm down comletly now. I'm happy and proud that I managed to go into town and buy mulle wine. I'm mostly proud that I even got out of the apartment! Roberto will be home soon and we'll have pizza! Yum yum yum! No more blaming myself for putting Spocks needs before my own.

Here are some pictures from earlier today when I was happy with Mew. I don't know what I'd do without him.


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11 comments

  1. Tycker det är starkt av dig ändå. Att du brydde sig om spocks känslor, hans framtid och vad som va bäst för honom. Du va inte den egoistiska människan som tänkte på dig själv. Och det ska du veta, att det är många inte många som kan göra det du gjorde. Ni båda borde vara stolta över ert beslut och gav han en bra framtid, och jag hoppas du mår bättre snart. :)

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    Replies
    1. Tack! Det har ju inte blivit mycket bättre för mig sen Spock flyttade heller, så jag vill inte riktigt tänka på hur dåligt han skulle mått om han var kvar hos oss. Han skulle förmodligen varit väldigt stressad och både jag och Roberto skulle mått ännu sämre. Å de va ju inte som att vi skaffar honom för att han var söt å vi inte fattade att det skulle vara mkt jobb (som så många säger att vi gjorde)... Jag hoppas att jag en dag kommer vara så frisk att vi klarar av att ta han om en hund. Det kommer ju inte bli Spock, men det kommer bli underbart. Tack igen :)

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  2. It is hard to let go that guilt feeling, but it was very mature of you to decide that you can not take care of someone rather that keep it just because you want it. No one should judge your decisions especially because they don't know you or that whole situation.
    Anyone who is judging you because of what happened is very bad person and you should not be affected with their comments no matter how rude they are.

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  3. How can someone say something so mean to you? I know that many people do mistakes with animals, but you're NOT one of them. you're a very loving human being. you even do one of the hardest things and let him go. most cant do that and keep the animal in very sad conditions. you put Spock first. and you're suffering because of what happend, this wasn't something fun or easy. i think you are super brave. thinking about what you had to do even makes me cry. no one can blame you for what happend. i KNOW that in the future you will have all tha animals that you want, and you and them are gonna be very happy, because you're full of love, and the way you handle things with your dog, reflects that.
    And I'm saying this being very very very strict judging the way humans trate animals, so dont take it lighty. And remember, the world is big, and there is always gonna be someone rude who saids bad things to you. Dont let them hurt you. In your heart you know they are wrong, listen to your heart.
    I send you lots of love.
    Spock will love you forever, you are him first mon, and nothing can take that away.
    <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

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  4. You are an amazing person and no one has the right to say anything like that to you! You did what was right. Jeez, it sounds like they're accusing you of putting him down. He's happy now, he has a home and a family and that's what matters. It's important for you to take care of yourself and you can't let anyone or anything put you down <3 You have to truly love yourself before you can truly and fully love others. I'm still learning this myself. I'm glad you were able to calm down and look forward to a good evening with Roberto, be proud of yourself, you deserve to be happy <3

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  5. I love these pictures because you are smiling! You don't have to explain anything to anyone, your the only one who you have to answer to! From the posts you made about it months before you were not online I thought you were a very mature person to be able to understand that you were not well and you put him ahead of your own needs.

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  6. All cred till dig som kunde ta beslutet att lämna över honom även om det var svårt. Om något så borde du vara stolt över dig själv att du kunde göra något så osjälviskt när du visste att det skulle få konsekvenser för både ditt psyke, + elaka kommentarer. Det är inget fel med att skaffa en hund när man verkligen vill ha en och har hopp om att man klarar det, och absolut inget fel med att lämna över honom när du blev sjuk! Du gjorde det bästa beslutet för dig och Spock och du ska vara stolt över det!
    Kan med all säkerhet säga att de som lämnar elaka kommentarer inte varit i närheten av den situationen som du befann dig i, och de är väl ganska självklart att deras ord inte ska ha någon betydelse då heller (:

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  7. Möh. :( Don't let them get to you! Dem har ingen aning om vad du gick och fortfarande går igenom eller vad du känner (och bryr sig antagligen inte om det heller) och dem har säkert aldrig behövt lämna ifrån sig ett älskat djur själva. Livet händer och man kan inte ro för att man blir sjuk. Tycker det var starkt av dig att inse att du var för sjuk för att ta hand om Spock och ännu starkare att du vågade lämna bort honom! Du gjorde det ju för att du bryr dig om Spock, inte av någon annan anledning som vissa av dem där försöker få det att låta som. Den osjälviskheten är absolut något du ska vara stolt över. Du vet själv att du har gjort rätt och att du inte förtjänar deras skitsnack, låt dem inte försöka övertyga dig om annat. Radera deras kommentarer eller bara strunta i dem, dem vill ändå inget gott. Dem vill bara trycka på dina knappar och stå ivägen för dig.
    Du har absolut ingen skyldighet att försvara och förklara dina val för några idioter på internet. <3

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  8. Det är inte ditt fel! Spock har det ju bra nu!? Fattar inte vad folk håller på att tjafsa om? Du ska inte behöva ursäkta det beslutet du tog. Det FINNS människor som behandlar djur illa och jag tycker folk borde lägga energi på dom istället.

    Det kommer alltid finnas folk som vill trycka ner en och spy negativ energi över allt och alla. Kom ihåg att du har en hel armé av följare som står på din sida <3 Det gör alltid ont att höra någon anklaga en för något man redan mår dåligt över. Låt dom inte nå dig. Låt allt positivt lägga sig som en sköld mot de negativa kommentarerna.

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  9. I've said this earlier but can't help saying it again. I know it's hard, I think I couldn't handle that kind of blog comments, you don't deserve them. The most important thing is that you know you did the right thing (me and many others do, too). If some random jerks don't, it's their problem and them being jerks telss me that they feel quilt themselves and pour their bad feelings on to you. I don't think they are necessarily bad people. They don't have the right to do what they do, but the reason for them to want to hurt someone else seems to always come from their own suffering which they try to alleviate by blaming others. I'm sure they are just hurt, too and try to find help, but just in a wrong way. Most of these kind of people live in denial. They don't want to or even can confront themselves. They fear what they find out about themselves. But confonting oneself is the only way to grow and get rid of old habits and problems. I feel sorry for them and would want to help. I understand many have really difficult pasts and it's hard for themselves to accept some things they might have done out of desperation. Not all of course have seemingly that much suffering in their past, but everyone experiences life in their own way. Some get hurt from things that some other forget instantly. What is not a big deal to some may be terrifying to some others. It's not like the latter would be over dramatic or anything, they just feel how they feel for combination of reasons and events that happened through their lives. They are not wrong with how they feel, everyone has the right to feel as they do without questioning it. Understanding one's own feelings and discussing about them with others (even anonymously) could help alot.

    For example some young mothers have been frightened and depressed of how they feel about their newborn babies. Some have had thoughts of hurting their babies and immediately felt really wrong and bad about themselves, they have thought they must be very sick. They know they'd never actually do any harm to their babies, but still feel sick of their thoughts. When they found someone anonymously explaining the same thing over the internet, they felt relieved, as they weren't alone with their feelings. Having any kind of thoughts is not sick at all. What you actually do is what matters. The thoughts the mothers had were connected to depression many have after giving birth. Many loving and overprotecting mothers seem to have those thoughts. They are so afraid for what could happen to their babies that they want to protect their offspring even from themselves. Many of the mothers who had these thoughts, that they understandably found very disturbing, started to have them less and less after they found out they were not alone. I think the internet has really changed peoples lives and helps them to be more open as they can do it without anybody knowing who they are. It really helps to see you are completely normal, everyone is (or no one is). There is no epitome of normality. There are actions that shouldn't ever be allowed of course. But in my opinion it is still always necessary to try to understand even murderers and rapists, they might have had a very abusive past/childhood. They need help, too.

    I'm sorry for the off topic.

    I still want to say that you have done nothing wrong, on the contrary. It is beyond difficult to let go of a family member, but you did it for loving Spock so much. That is the most unselfish thing to do. And to me it shows you really care. Please don't blame yourself over anything you did out of love. I really hope all the best for you. Sorry again for any mistakes, my English really needs practicing.

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  10. Now that I've seen the comment, I think it was written in quite an emotional state (and may have bee directed more to other people than to you actually). I believe that the person didn't want to hurt you and I'm glad (s)he apologized. I think (s)he means well (as working with and helping animals), but was just too quick to assume things about you.

    Now talking only generally, some have Asperger's and don't understand when they write or say something rude. Over internet it is even harder to read other people and understand their motives sometimes, even if you don't have any disorder.

    I hope everyone would take time and think how they should comment and try to not to upset anyone. I wish everyone would think how they would feel if someone said or wrote the thing they are going to say themselves and how they woud feel to be judged by some people that don't really know them that well or at all.

    I hope you can forgive all the unnecessary commenters, it helps to let go and understand that usually these people feel bad themselves. You can be proud of yourself (if/) because you don't do the same (I've never seen you commenting badly to anyone). You are more strong and being the stronger one, you can help the others understand why it's not okay to judge people they don't know or make any assumptions at all either. Some are still learning social skills (actually I am, too of course, I think no one is ever "complete", no one should ever stop learning). Being kind to others really pays off, I'm sure 100% of people would feel a lot better if they'd always try to be kind and understanding to everyone.

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