I don't really care if I'm getting more sick...

12/02/2014 09:33:00 PM

This might be a "way to much information" post. About physical end mental illness and issues. Quite negative too, just so you know.

Tomorrow I'll be going to my doctor, again... I was at my surgeon today for my check up (many months later than it should have been due to stuff), he said that everything looked great and the swelling and soreness was not from any complications from the surgery. Which is good, as long as it's not anything worse. He suggested it may be hormonal imbalance. It sounds beliveble to me, I've read up on it and it can fit.

My tongue is also starting to swell up, I just talked to my mum and she thought I sounded ill, but it's just my tounge that is getting big. I also have these really wierd spots on it. I'vre tried to google it but nothing comes up that looks like it. The swelling could be because of hormonal imbalance too, but those wierds spots. Uhmmm... The ones that look most similare are the ones that turns out to be cancer, but it's still quite far from what mine looks like. I would take a picture haha but I don't think anyone would like to see that. People seem to think that kind of stuff is gross.

I've started to feel feverish, but I don't have fever, or I have fever according to me and my normal temperature, but not according to doctors. I get exhausted from walking up short hills or stairs, but I can dance quite a lot wihout getting tired. I also stink, I can't even wash off the smell, it's crazy. Once again hormonal imbalance could be the cause of it. But uh. I care less and less every day. I feel that a part of me even wish this is something serious so that I will get some help for something instead of just sitting around waiting...

I got a message today saying how long the waiting list is to get the investigation. It jut made me cry. It may not sound that much when I tell you, it's 6 months. But I'll explain why I took this they way I did (or am, I'm still really down about this).
When I got sent to this new place where I am right now and where my investigation for Autistic Spectrum Disorder is going to take place I got put on sickleave until Febuary. The way I understood that doctor (not my usual one), was that the investigation would most likely be over and done by then. When I started to go there, met a new doctor, a nurse and left som blood samples and such I asked how long it was going to take for the investigation to start. I then got the answer that "after you have started to leave tests it doesn't take long". So I thought, that meant 3 months, tops. I also got put on a priority list (which I have no hopes for at all at the moment), that made me think it could take only 1-2 months before we got started.
I've had this whole idéa built up that I would be done with this before my birthday. Now it looks like I will not even have begun before my birthday. When these sort of things happens my whole world sort of collpases. I had this thing all figured out, how it was going to go, I even put on extra months so I wouldn't get to where I am right now. Because I know that I get like this and I do my best to avoid it. But then this happened and I feel that I don't even want to do this anymore.

I can't really go anywhere either. Because I have appointments at this place once a week. I wish I could just go away and stay with my parents for a while. But no. I oculd for about a week. I will go and visit, but I just feel locked to waiting. I know that's in my imagination but it's very hard to break free from.

I've been on sick leave for more or less 1 and a half year now. At first I thought I was going back pretty soon. Now I know that's highly unlikely. Then in the begining of this summer I got an appointment to a psychologist, I thought that's when my investigation started. Turned out that was not the case. It was some sort of "before investigation" thing, I think. Then she sent me forward to another place (where I am now) and, everything goes so slowly and I feel as if I'm standing still just waiting whie nothing is happening.

So, tomorrow I'll be going back to my doctor. I was there last friday to check up on the swelling in my breasts (I did mention this a little earlier), she didn't find anything then. So that's good, I hope. But I forgot about my tongue and now when it has started to swell up and look even worse I have to go back. Internet told me so haha. A nurse I called for guidence also told me to go to my doctor as soon as possible so, mjeh, going back. Hopefully I'll know more about what's going on tomorrow.

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16 comments

  1. The psyciatry you are connected to now, can't they send you to another place? Or is it like devided up in regions in Sweden? I feel sorry that it is going so slowly, it must really be a weight on your shoulders. :( But don't think you are alone! Never! Roberto, your family and all your fans are helping you bearing that weight! Even when you can't stand, those around you won't leave you behind. You are no burden and don't ever feel ashamed for the emotions you have. Keep strong, Angelica. Patience is a bitch but we got to trust her. Drink a cup of tea with honey and lay down in a lot of pillows and blankets. Stay cosy and get better, hun.

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    1. If they send me to another place again I will most likely just get to wait even longer. Roberto called the nurse who game me the news about the waitinglist and asked her to call him tomorrow. She couldn't answer today. Thank you so much for your comment <3

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  2. Ahw thats sad:( Im so sorry for you.... I am also going to start with different doctors and nauro doctors for the aspie thingy.
    I have been wrong diagnosed for 7 years on en of in the psychiatry on and off ! I have hadd so many diagnosis! I finaly got on right diagnosis, bipolar. I said to the "fancy doctors" that i thought that i was bipolar.... It took me 5 month to get only 2 hour to get the right bipolar diagnosis, and i have been going to the psycolohist for over 3 year straight... Its have been a lot of fighting. Dont give up! For me Aspie diagnosis is important to get because you can learn how to live and don`t feel sorry for the way my brain work and try to learn to get a better life. I promise you it will be worth it to get the right diagnosis, and the right help and treatment .

    It will be worth it! Just keep on fighting! Tell youre doc that this is to hard, and if they can shorten youre waiting time.

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    1. Ugh that sounds horrible! I've come to understand now that 6 months isn't that long to wait (I guess it was 7 at first though). I did a quick google search and it seemed to be very common to wait for years to start an investigation for any kind of autism. It's I mean.. since the whole waiting thing just make me feel worse. I thought I was doing better and I was so positive about everything but then I got different information than I thought I would get and BOOM. It feels a bit like I've been pushed down the stairs I've been fighting so long to climb up. I just have to reset my brain a bit and think that i'ts "only" 6 months. It could be longer! I hope you don't have to wait that long this time!

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    2. Oh! i did not meen it in that way, every persons journey is different and cant compare with each other1I feel for you, hold on!

      I did not wait 7 years to get the autism spectrum diagnosis. I have only waited 3 month since a doctore at the mental hospitale though that i was toooo unsosial, and that i was kinda geeke:P So i have been lucky in that way!
      I hope tings go much faster! darn bureaucracy! I don`t know how it is in Sweden, but in Norwayit is a list for everything:/ but somtimes that list shorten:)
      You should start a donation fund for a privat doctores to get an investigation, and maybe it goes faster and you don`t have to suffer so much! I

      In the meanwhile you can try to find out whats youre stress areas, it dont have to help, but it can help preventing feeling bad and so on... i don`t know. Mine is sosial stuff,and over thinking to much. doomed to be a loner;P
      I don`t know if you want a advice or not, but i have heard that distracting youre self as much as posible,with a tvseries or a movies or crafting, wathever that make you feel good, for keep speeding though a way for a little while help me very much! But we are all different. It sound stupide but autism brains need different stuff then the naurotypical person.

      Hope you get the best help! And that thing speeds up! The not knowing part is horrible...You desere eveythinge good!

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  3. ,I've been following you for quite a while and kind of wanted to tell you a little bit of my own experience...but I know that each individual it's so unique and therefore complex so I'm just going to say theses: it's normal to feel apathetic about these things when you get tired physically and mentally, even more when your body starts to built up so many stress and fatigue that another sickness may appear as a result at some point. Just take thing as they come, you seem to be trying to understand yourself better and thats fantastic, the diagnosis/treatment/therapy will come, until then give yourself time when you need it allow you to feel whatever it is that you are feeling, focus on what you can do when you can do it. If you ever feel guilty or like things are too slow...don't. I think I remember reading that you are kind of a perfectionist, that you never where fully satisfied with your work, be aware if that's the case and don't treat your life in that way. Cause learning to live with oneself it's living, and you will be in constant change and adaptation. We are organic beings after all. And these age sucks, honestly, 20's it's a time of many changes aside from any problems/sickness that anyone may have...so yeah basically pains and pleasures , happines and sadnes, just allow them, but don't drown in them (I know easy said than done, I'm working on it too).

    I hope these doesn't come as a lot of weird blabbering or something to busybody...if so i sincerely apologize, take care Angelica! :)

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    1. Oh don't apologize. I get so happy from comments like this. It actually brings me up :) So thank you for this comment with well needed reminders :)

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  4. Don't give up girl! I'm from the Netherlands and I've been on sick leave since april 2013. I had treatment from november 2013 till may 2014 and since that didn't worked out for me, the doctors send me to another clinic. So since may this year I'm waiting to get treatment for my mental problems and I can get started in january (and I was also on the high priority list). I know your feelings. It sucks so much to wait this long! When people break their legs, nobody will let walk around with broken legs for six months! It sucks that the mental health care seem to have so little priority in the medical world :(
    But you can do this! Hug your kitty pillow, hug Roberto, hug your cats and your family! You don't have to do this alone :)

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    1. I can't understand why mental illnesses are not more priorotized. It feels as if you have to get really, really ill before they speed things up. But I have a friend who is really ill and she won't really get help.. so... I don't understand. Just like you say, no one would let a person walk around on a broken leg for months!

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  5. Sjukvård av psykiska problem är inte mycket att hänga i granen. Vet hur jäkla frustrerande det är att i stort sett skrika ut att man behöver hjälp nu och sedan få en kö-plats som är flera månader bort. Usch blir så ledsen på att ett system kan ha så mycket brister när det är så uppenbart att många mår sämre än någonsin av att vänta. Det kanske inte hjälper mycket men försök att förklara din situation och om dina förhoppningar du hade om att det inte skulle ta en miljon år att få en utredning. Ibland kan man ju ha tur och få hjälp snabbare.
    Annars finns det inte mycket mer att göra än att ta hand om dig själv och ta en dag i taget ♥

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    1. Ja åh när jag googlat så har jag läst att många väntar i ÅR.. och jag tycker 6 månader är aslänge! Men flera år?! Jag tänker om en har det som jag har nu, bara är sjukskriven, det är som, livet är lite som på paus på något sätt. Du känner dig lixom låst uh. Får hoppas på att den regering vi får kommer göra det bättre och inte fortsatt sämre!
      <3

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  6. Förstår precis hur det känns :( jag har vart sjukskriven i 3 år tror jag.. gjorde min neuropsykiatriska utredning i höstas, jag fick vänta i 7 och en halv månad på att få göra den, bröt också ihop då. Jag hade dock ingen neuropsykiatrisk diagnos, så sen fick jag vänta 2 månader till på att få en psykisk utredning, vilket jag håller på med nu. Och nu har min läkare på psyk slutat utan att berätta det för mig så nu får jag vänta på en ny läkartid tills i slutet på januari.... Man får i princip tjata, tjata och åter tjata för att någonting ens ska hända, och mår man inte bra så orkar man ju inte tjata.. Så det är bra att ha någon som kan hålla ens talan :( men stå ut, väntetiden är lång men du står iallafall i kö nu! ♥

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    1. UUH oh gosh. Ja å ja känner mig så dum om jag börjar tjata. Jag smsade iaf min sköterska jag går å pratar med lite då och då och sa att jag fått en helt annan uppfattning, att det skulle gå fortare osv pga vad de andra sagt och gjort. Hon verkar iaf förstår väldigt bra när jag pratar med henne hur jag fungerar. Hur extremt jobbigt "fåniga" saker kan vara. Jag har ju lixom lag up lite planer för nästa år. Inget spikat så, men bara att på min födelsedag kommer allt vara klart, å det skulle vara så skönt. Ja tror någonstans att jag tänkte att iaf till augusti då det är urkult, DÅ kommer det vara klart. Men nu är ju inte ens det säkert, å då kommer jag inte kunna åka tid, vilket skulle vara SKIT. Sen blir jag lite orolig över min utomlandsresa nu. För jag måste till det här stället en gång i veckan å det är i Mars, men det måste dom väll låta mig åka på tycker jag.. hmmf. Vill ju inte direkt missa min chans på prio listan för att jag är utomlands heller..
      Sen Roberto tjatar ju gärna å så, han har bett min sköterska ringa honom. Men ja kännr mig så hemsk som tjatar, eller låter någon tjata åt mig. Jag känner mig dum, elak å jobbig.
      Så nu samtidigt så blir jag fysiskt sjuk och ingen vet vad det är. Det ble, ne ska försöka fokusera på det positiva!

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  7. Gäller inte vårdgaranti inom psykiatrin? Känns himla fuffens att den isåfall bara ska gälla allmän vård.
    Något att undersöka? http://www.1177.se/Stockholm/Regler-och-rattigheter/Vardgarantin-i-stockholm/

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    1. Oh tack för att du länkade till det där! det va de där jag tyckte jag läst och letade efter!!! Ska se om jag vågar ringa eller om roberto kan ringa och fråga om det där! För enligt de där så är det ju max TRE månader. för jag har ju träffat specialist läkaren som jag fick en remiss till. Åh hoppas hoppas, emn inte för mycket så jag blir besviken igen, hoppas lite. Tack igen!

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    2. Absolut ingen fara! Glad att jag kan hjälpa till! :) Vården är bra i Sverige men en aning trög, men viftar man vårdgarantin i läkarens ansikte så brukar de snabba på sig :) Hoppas det löser sig! :)

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