l

Investigation is over!

Yup, that was it. It went super quickly. My psychologist didn't feel she needed to know anything more inte order to set the diagnosis. I guess it was pretty obvious. So I got my diagnosis today, Autism. The model which they use at this healthcare center is the DSM-5 (if I'm not misstaken) and they don't have Asperger as a diagnosis anymore. If they did, that would have been my diagnosis.

I've heard many who had a lot longer instestigations, but I suppose it may depend on how dep into it you go. My psychologist said that she did not like to do just for the sake of doing. I agree with her. I will miss her because I really liked her, but I wil not miss going to this healthcare center. I don't want to go into detail on why, I probably will one day but not now. I will still go back next week to read everything she has written about me. It's about 5 A4 of information that will go in my journal, that I also will get a copy of whenever I need it in certain situations.

Today we went trough the test I had done. I got to know my IQ, at least according to this test and know what my strengths are. In some things I was waaaaay over average and in a few I was below average. This hit my pretty hard because it feels like a faliure. I want to score high, I want to do good and be great! But I noticed during the test that I'm really bad at some things. What I was really bad at (not really bad but below average) was describing de smiliraity between words. What I was really good at was building pictures with the blocks and adding the last symbol into a series of symbols. I got to know that I made one wrong answer on the series of symbols one, this also hit me wuite hard. I feel really bad about it. That last one was the hardest and she said she thought I was going to get the correct answer on it. Maybe I would have if I would have thought for a tiny bit longer, ugh, I'm a bit mad at myself. The time wasn't up, I could have looked at it for a little longer and gotten it right. I know this has nothing to do with the outcome of my diagnosis but I feel unintelligent for not getting it right. Hmm silly, silly, I wish things like this didn't bother me so much. I know I have gotten similar symbol questions like that one right before. HA, I'm really stuck on this. So angry with myself. I don't want to say what my IQ landed on because I'm ashamed of that too. It's a lot lower than I thought it was. I know that's because I have problems in some areas and are very gifted in others, but still. Even if you only counted the gifted parts it was lover than I wanted. Ugh I really have to find a way to let this go. Constant feeling of not feeling good enough. Blah. Ok enough of this.

I don't know what will happen now. I will go back on Tuesday to read trough everything. But after that? I have no idéa what I want to do with my life at the moment at all. I have ruled out working with anything that has to do with service, my psychologist strongly agrees with me. It makes me both understimulated because my brain needs to work more. I also get overstimulated because of the impressions from everything around me and having to be social, talking to people and process everything. So I'm still quite lost. I don't know if I will continue to be on sick leave or if I have to choose something to do now. I guess I should see someone who can help me understand what I "need", so I can adapt my surroundings after my needs. For you who don't know that is a pretty big part of this diagnosis, it's not an illness. There are no medication for the diagnosis itself but there are medication for it's side effects. Something you have to focus on is adapt your surroundings after yourself because if you adapt yourself after your surroundings, you usually end up feeling like a bag of poop. That's why I first had to go on sick leave, because of fatigue depression caused by me not beeing able to adapt. Oh this is turning into a long post, I'm going to round off now.

I shall write down my questions for my psychologist on Tuesday and then I will go for a run. So many questions that I have trouble putting into words, it's good I have the whole weekend to think!
This is my winter running jacket, I love it!

12 comments :

  1. This is so weird, but I remember years ago when I started reading your blog I thought "hey, she sounds a lot like me", and through the years I've aften found myself thinking that you might have the same diagnosis that I have but I never said muchbecause so many take it as an insult. I was also diagnosed quite late, but not as late as you, and therefor I also have a lot of psychological issues on top of the AS. Im still struggling to adapt the world around me and not adapt myself. I also recognize the whole "trying to be perfect" thing. I get so mad if I get even one answer out of a hundred wrong, and even if I scored high on the IQ part I still want it to be higher because in many ways I've always felt that "yea, I might be odd and awkward but at least I have brains". I work in service nowdays a few times a week but to keep my mind happy I constantly do things like crossword puzzles, read fact books and take silly small classes that really isnt to become something, just to keep the brain going.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't understand why people may do that, take it as an insult. I've had so many written different illnesses or disorders to me and I've been very greatful for that. I've looked everything up to see if this might be it, to be even more sure of what it may or may not be.
      My score was on the higher end of the 68%, I feel like such a faliure because of that. I know I would have tipped over if it wasn't for that clock that kept ticking and ticking so loud in my head. Same with my strenghts, I was just about to tip over to the 2.2% there. I believe I would if I knew it was an IQ test. I didn't do bad on purpose, but I know I could have done a little better if I just pushed myself a little bit harder. Even though my spychologist says I'm very gifted and could only dream of the scores I got on many of the things, I still feel like a faliure X) I'm working hard on letting this go, it's just some numbers. At least was good at what I wanted to be good at :D I should focus on that :D

      I can't go back to service at all. A part of me wish I could because it would be so much easier just to go back to my old job. I don't know anything else. I want to become a pathologist, but I'm not sure. I would like to be able to visit one in real life and see what they do during a day. The road there is long and I would have to push myself to my very limit and I'm not sure I could do that. The school part wouldn't be a problem, but later when you have your AT (not sure if that's the right term in English but you know what I mean:)). Also at the same time I just want to live in a cottage in the woods and take care of animals and grow my own food. Oh decisions... I shall write everything down and try to make a plan of some sort!

      Delete
  2. What jacket is that, I know its from Nike but what exact one? /: ..

    ReplyDelete
  3. I 've been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia a long time ago. And similar to your diagnosis, people with my subtipe usually have high iq. I got tested more than once my iq was always very high, around 134. To shorten this story, don't get offended but even if you take the test again I don't think there will be much change. The ig tests are carefully designed to TEST your real iq level. I emphasized test on purpose because ones iq level can't drastically change no matter the outer or inner circumstances. Again, I'm not trying to make you feel bad or anything, but just wanted to explain. But whatever your iq level is, you CAN still be above average in other fields.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah no I know it wouldn't change much. But I think I would be able to get at least the 2 and 3 points I needed to tip over the lines. But I'm starting ti feel a little bit better about it. I remembered that I only got a VG in my makeup course. We had IG (means you not made it) G, VG and MVG. And I know I was and am better than many of the people in my class at makeup that got MVG. I get so caught up in grades and points all the time, always wanting to "win" and be the best, even though I at the same time don't have the energy to be. Meh hard to explain, I don't fully understand it myself. I also makes me feel a bit better hearing you say it wouldn't change much :)

      Delete
  4. I'm so happy they figured out what was wrong. It feels like you can finally start working towards bettering yourself. I'm in the same process at the moment I found a great doctor and I'm ready to start living instead of hiding from these thoughts and feelings. You are strong and very inspiring, keep being you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's nothing I like to think as wrong, it's just another way of beeing right. Although in todays society beeing this way often is seen as "wrong", when people are supposed to be able to do and handle certan things that many under this spectrum aren't fully able to do. I can't really work on myself either, I have to work on my surroundings, since there is nothing wrong with me, it's not an illness :D That feel pretty good :D I'm just me and I have to figure out how I best can be myself. Ahw, this is starting to feel really good now :D Thank you so much <3

      Delete
  5. Tack Angelica för att du har delat med dig av det här. Det har fått mig att börja skriva ner mina "problem" på papper. Jag går redan hos en psykolog men känner att jag har fastnat och inte kommer vidare. Ska nog arbeta upp modet att be om en utredning jag också. Jag kanske inte har samma sak som du men jag känner att det nog finns något därunder som är "fel". Vill även ge dig ett tips. Det finns något som heter arbetspsykolog eller arbetspsykologisk utredning. Där kan man få hjälp med att ta reda på vilken typ av arbete som kan passa en bäst. Har själv inte genomgått det ännu men ska troligtvis göra det så småningom. Önskar dig all lycka i framtiden! *kramar*

    ReplyDelete
  6. Så Aspergers finns inte mer? Konstigt...
    Autism alltså, men jag tycker att du verkar ha sådant svängande humör.
    JAG blir ju att tänka på Borderline alternativt Bipolär. Men de sa alltså ingenting om det?
    Kan man svänga så i måendet om man har Autism också?

    ReplyDelete