The last two weeks my friend Mixi has been living with me, or visiting me. But it feels like she's living here because we've spent so much time together. She's leaving tomorrow, I don't really want that. Even if we only sit on the sofa with the tv on and look at our phone screens I really enjoy her company. None of us have that much energy to do anything else. But we have gone food shopping a couple of times and I have started to run again. Or, I have been our on one run and one walk so far, but I just started. This year I have set some things I would like to stick to, no goals, but a list that I will do my very best to follow. It's short so I'll share it:
- Run at least 3 times a week.
- Muscle exercises at least 2 times a week.
- Do my makeup at least 3 times a week.
The makeup thing is because I recently discovered that I've started to dislike how I look without makeup. But when I have days when I wear makeup, I like how I look when I wash it off. I think I might need that variation or something, I don't know I'm not going to put that much thought into it now.
I also need to figure out my hair situation. I think it only bothers me to much because my overall mental health is not that well. I would usually just do whatever, but it feels so big now. Not knowing what to do. I'm still debating on brushing out my dreads. In the beginning I felt so myself in them and so comfortable. But then all this cultural appropriation came from left and right. It was pretty new to me when I first got them, but still asked the only firned I have who had a say in it and the one who I respect the most didn't even know what I was going on about and said she thought it was awesome. Anyway, it has now gotten into a huge negative spiral in my head and I don't know if I can keep them anymore. I don't dare to feel comfortable in them anymore because I feel I'm not allowed to wear my hair this way because I'm white. It don't think it matters what anyone says about this topic anymore, I've even had anxiety attacks because I feel like a really bad person. I've tried to talk and discuss the topic with people who bring it up but I just get yelled at for beeing stupid when I don't understand what it says in the links they provide. I've never been able to discuss it or really talk about it with anyone because I just get linked stuff and if I don't understand that well I'm blinded by my privilige and that's that. So I now often feel ver ashamed for beeing white and wearing dreads. I just want to let this whole thing go, but when I try to I think back on how stupid I was to get my sidecuts, if I hadn't it would be a lot easier to brush everything out and just leave this whole thing behind. I now see myself as a shitty little white shit who complains about something super silly as a way to wear your hair. I also feel very stupid for getting them in the first place because, everything. Bleh. I often wish I never had gotten them and had just left my hair for what it was before. I try to tell myself all the time that "it's just hair, it'll grow back, it doesn't matter". Sometimes I do listen, but most of the time I just feel stupid. I don't want to feel stupid!
I'm going to eat breakfast now. I was going to do that over an hour ago, but I got stuck here and in my thoughts and then this hair issue came up and... Negative spiral. I'll try to leave that an focus on breakfast and happy thoughs, I was feeling really good and I will get back to that!