Today I feel good.

1/05/2015 10:52:00 AM

I usually feel really, really bad on mondays, because of these appointments I have at the health care place. But today I feel really good. Everything went so well and it lifts me up. I haven't told you here but I know many of you probably know that I've finally gotten an appointment to start my investigation for autistic spectrum disorder. ON WEDNESDAY! THIS WEDNESDAY! I feel happy about that today. Yesterday and all the days before that I couldn't really feel anything for it, even though I have been fighting to get trough horrible appointments to get here. I actually feel excited right now.

The last two weeks my friend Mixi has been living with me, or visiting me. But it feels like she's living here because we've spent so much time together. She's leaving tomorrow, I don't really want that. Even if we only sit on the sofa with the tv on and look at our phone screens I really enjoy her company. None of us have that much energy to do anything else. But we have gone food shopping a couple of times and I have started to run again. Or, I have been our on one run and one walk so far, but I just started. This year I have set some things I would like to stick to, no goals, but a list that I will do my very best to follow. It's short so I'll share it:

  • Run at least 3 times a week.
  • Muscle exercises at least 2 times a week.
  • Do my makeup at least 3 times a week.
If I reach these rumbers, great! If I reach over them (especially the exercising part), awesome! If I don't reach them but did my very best, then that is great too! I feel no preassure from it so far and if I start to feel preassure, I will just change it.
The makeup thing is because I recently discovered that I've started to dislike how I look without makeup. But when I have days when I wear makeup, I like how I look when I wash it off. I think I might need that variation or something, I don't know I'm not going to put that much thought into it now.

I also need to figure out my hair situation. I think it only bothers me to much because my overall mental health is not that well. I would usually just do whatever, but it feels so big now. Not knowing what to do. I'm still debating on brushing out my dreads. In the beginning I felt so myself in them and so comfortable. But then all this cultural appropriation came from left and right. It was pretty new to me when I first got them, but still asked the only firned I have who had a say in it and the one who I respect the most didn't even know what I was going on about and said she thought it was awesome. Anyway, it has now gotten into a huge negative spiral in my head and I don't know if I can keep them anymore. I don't dare to feel comfortable in them anymore because I feel I'm not allowed to wear my hair this way because I'm white. It don't think it matters what anyone says about this topic anymore, I've even had anxiety attacks because I feel like a really bad person. I've tried to talk and discuss the topic with people who bring it up but I just get yelled at for beeing stupid when I don't understand what it says in the links they provide. I've never been able to discuss it or really talk about it with anyone because I just get linked stuff and if I don't understand that well I'm blinded by my privilige and that's that. So I now often feel ver ashamed for beeing white and wearing dreads. I just want to let this whole thing go, but when I try to I think back on how stupid I was to get my sidecuts, if I hadn't it would be a lot easier to brush everything out and just leave this whole thing behind. I now see myself as a shitty little white shit who complains about something super silly as a way to wear your hair. I also feel very stupid for getting them in the first place because, everything. Bleh. I often wish I never had gotten them and had just left my hair for what it was before. I try to tell myself all the time that "it's just hair, it'll grow back, it doesn't matter". Sometimes I do listen, but most of the time I just feel stupid. I don't want to feel stupid!

I'm going to eat breakfast now. I was going to do that over an hour ago, but I got stuck here and in my thoughts and then this hair issue came up and... Negative spiral. I'll try to leave that an focus on breakfast and happy thoughs, I was feeling really good and I will get back to that!



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14 comments

  1. Förstår inte alls folk som kommenterar dina dreads som att du inte får ha det för att du är ljus i hyn, har aldrig hört någon kommentera det förr.
    Du passar superbra i dom, och du passar superbra utan dom!
    Hoppas du mår bättre snart och att utredningen ger bra resultat. :)
    Kram

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    1. Jag försöker verkligen förstå. Jag vill ju förstå när någon säger att jag gör något fel. et känns ju inte roligt att få sagt till sig att en sårar folk genom att ha sitt hår på ett visst sätt.
      Tack så mycket :) Jag tror det kommer lösa sig sakta men säkert med allt när allt börjar lösa upp sig. Jag hoppas på det iaf :)
      KRAM

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  2. I understand where you're coming from with the hair topic, but have in mind that mostly everything we do comes from other cultures. For example, ear plugs are tribal in origin, some of us just adapted them in our lives. Would that be considered appropriation too?
    I wouldn't find offensive if a person from a different culture adapted things from my culture. I think it would mean they value it and find it beautiful/interesting. Nothing wrong with that. But that's just me.

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    1. I do have that in mind although I'm a bit embarrased that I didn't fully understand the whole piercing thing before a couple of years ago, after I got my first piercings. I feel the same way, but when I've seen people mention that it's still not ok and they don't understand how bad it is and so on. I do understand the concept and I understand why certain things are not appropriate. Meh I have a hard time putting my thoughts into words now.

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  3. I don't understand why some people get so easily upset and make a big deal about nothing. People seem so easily offended these days. Everyone is equal and people get inspired by other cultures. That's a great thing! So just because I'm white shoudn't I be allowed to wear dreads or eat döner or have plugs or wear a plo scarf? That's ridicilous.
    And you shouldn't be embarrased if you don't know something :) That's just human. And you especially show everyone you're a very open minded person and are willing to learn! Why don't people see that and respect that in you, instead of bashing you and make you feel guilty or ashamed for having a hearstyle you really like.
    You can't please everyone in the world, there will always be people who are upset or angry with you. Focus on being happy with yourself first, especially since you're having a hard time these days :)

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  4. Argh, det där med dreads och cultural appropriation är bara omogen och aggressiv Tumblr-logik (eller snarare brist därav). Allt är cultural appropriation i sådana fall! Det skapar bara en stark och bakåtsträvande känsla av "oss" och "dem". Försök att inte lyssna!

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    1. Jag får också känslan av det. Att det vänder folk emot varandra och grupperar oss mer. Det tog hårdare då det kom upp i en feminist grupp jag är med i på facebook. Eller i två stycken faktiskt, men där ville inte heller någon diskutera det bara var så och förstod du inte då var du dum...

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  5. Hi! First I want to say that, at the risk of sounding a bit creepy, I've been following you online for years now. You have inspired me in more ways than I can name, from giving me the confidence to make and wear synthetic dreads (I wore a different color each month for a year!) to working out and eating healthier, to even to getting my throat and neck tattooed. Amongst all of the popular Tumblr girls and women, you stood out to me as one of the most genuinely nice, caring, and thoughtful people I've ever encountered. You also stood out because you really seemed to make an effort to be well informed about social and cultural issues, and if there was ever a concept from a different country or culture that you didn't understand, you made an honest effort to learn and discuss more about it, which I really admired and appreciated.

    I say all of this because when I read this post, it absolutely broke my heart. Tumblr can be a wonderful place for learning and self-expression, but it can also become a hostile environment where the actions of one person, whether intentionally or not, can invite thousands of people to cram their opinions and perspectives onto someone. I love that tumblr can allow people to call out overtly racist people as well as people who are ignorant of what certain actions/ideas might mean in different cultures, but sometimes this can get taken too far. Yes, dreadlocks have a deep history, but no one should ever make you feel wrong or badly for your decision to dread your hair. It is your hair, on your head, and your look and youf style, and that will never belong to anyone else. The people who try to shame you for wearing dreadlocks are absolutely in the wrong. There is nothing wrong with trying to share with you the history of dreadlocks and their social and cultural meaning, but there is everything wrong with saying that only black people can wear them. I grew up as a black girl interested in music, clothing, and interests that people used to tell me were for white people, but I didn't let that determine what I listened to, or dressed like, and neither should you. And the fact that the opinions of these opinions are affecting your mental health and self confidence really breaks my heart, but it doesn't have to be that way. You are beautiful in everything that you are and that you do. I know as someone who suffers from many of the same symptoms as you that its easy to hear one thing and believe another, but you are a great person, and you should not brush out or get rid of your dreadlocks unless you truly want to for yourself and your style.
    I hope this helped in some small way <3

    p.s. I live in the states, and I have MANY white friends with dreadlocks, and most of them don't know or care to know about the culture that created them. I don't feel negatively about that, because to me its simply a hair style, but the fact that you care this deeply about offending people or misappropriating a culture by having them says a lot about your character, which means more than anything else <3

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    1. True words! I can definitely agree! :) @Tayla I wish you all the best Angelica! <3 I know these hair problems from 2 years ago and they could be definitely affected by missing self-confidence (or mental illness). There will come better times for you, I know that! Stay strong and you will be even more stronger afterwards! <3

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    2. Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a long reply! I had to look at your pictures and saw your dreads, you looked amazing with them, you look amazing without them too! I'm so very puzzled over this. It's as if I can't tell what I want because I don't know what I think or believe when I don't fully understand. I also don't know if that is why I am so unsure about it or if it is because I miss undreaded hair. Bah because I do like how they look, especially now when I have some undreaded hair in the front. Oh I don't know. I will buy some jumbo braids and make some synthetic ones to fill out the back (it looks quite bad there right now, I have to wear hoods or hats! Thank you so osososososos much again! <3

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  6. You have some really interesting blog posts on here! Glad I found it!
    I'm following you...Check out my blog if you get a chance!

    Legal Herbal Incense

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  7. Do what makes you happy! If it means dreads, then have dreads. If it means having a shaved head, then do that. I can relate that when your mental health is iffy, the smallest amount of self care is a HUGE thing, especially hair/makeup. For what it's worth, I never looked at you and thought "cultural appropriation," I always thought "OOOh, pretty big hair, gorgeous eyebrows and I want those shoes!"

    The internets are full of people who can hide behind screens and throw out insults. Those people don't deserve a place in your thoughts. <3

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  8. Värt att tänka på är att dreadlocks har funnits sålänge människor har funnits. Det är vad som händer med håret när man inte borstar det. Jag har sk. neglect dreadlocks pga av jag slutade kamma håret. Det har funnits i så många kulturer i så många årtusenden. Tex. så hade en del vikingar dreadlocks.

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  9. this is really very helpful article. I go through this site really very nice information.thank for sharing such a nice information
    k2 spice

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